Somewhere in between.

On the Battlefield: A Fight Against Me, Myself, and I

2008-03-15T05:50:42Z

( A blog entry inspired by last nights events and the pep talk i recieved from Laurence. )

I thought I was crazy for signing up for last night's battle. In a nutshell, I crash and burned.

I had no practice and I haven't krumped in the LONGEST time. But I can't blame my practice. I won't.

Someone made me realize that that's not the only battle I may be facing. I may be up against a much bigger battle than that of krumping. I may actually be up against myself. I later realized that I went into a battlefield unarmed. When I say unarmed, I don't mean krumping without practice. I mean, I'm not emotionally or maybe even spiritually ready. God may be asking more from me and it's not in terms of my talents. He's telling me that my talents are already there. He's just asking me where my heart is. Little did I know that there is more to battling than having practice and mastery of your craft. God's asking me to master myself. He's asking me to take time out to think and to get my act together. He's afraid I'm getting lost. He's worried that I could be living in false humility.

It's a fact that I've somehow disappointed God unintentionally. Allowing myself to be blinded was a stupid mistake.

Yesterday, God let go of me in the battle and made me crash and burn for me to realize that I was doing something wrong before the battle. He hoped that the battle would change me and make me realize that I have to work on myself. But right after the battle, he immediately picked me up and made Himself present through Laurence, YumYum, Patrick (even though I'd been avoiding him yesterday... I'll explain later.) , Madelle, Jhong, Prince, Fatima, Michelle, my grandmother, my sister, my mom, even my yaya!, and so many more. God picked me up after that fall to reassure me that He'd be present whenever something gets me down.

In my second try, I somehow spoke to God.

Me: What are you doing???
Me: Why are you not answering me??
Me: Say something!
Me: Don't do this to me.
Me: Whatever else happens, it's for You nalang.

And so my second battle was over as a new one began to brew.

As soon as I found a place to sit, I leaned against the mirror and slid down, trying to hold back tears but it came out anyway. A few seconds later, I stood up and walked over to my table, ignoring everything my mom was telling me and grabbing my empty glass. I walked over to the bar and asked for another glass of water. I felt like I was choking partially because of the smokey atmosphere, but mostly because I was pissed and felt like screaming my head off. Then Laurence approached me asking me if something was wrong. I said no. I'm fine. He didn't buy it. He took me outside for a chat and that's when I realized that the battle's never over. The battle can be more internal than it is external. He made me realize that he too, and the All-Stars, sometimes go into a battlefield unprepared. Sure, they've had their practices and all, but they can be unprepared emotionally.

There's really more than just dancing hip hop. First comes the heart, second comes the talent, third comes the money. Everything gets easier along the way as long as you know yourself. It took me a while to realize it, but I'm very fortunate to have realized it this early on.

I've been trying to change for six whole years...and I'm welcoming the seventh because I know I can be better and I'm going to put my heart into it.

As for avoiding Patrick... I really was. It wasn't for a bad reason or anything, but at that time, it seemed like a bad idea to go up to him because I was afraid that he would regret choosing me for Krumpinoy and that he would decide to remove me or something. Because I keep remembering what he said about no one being a permanent member of Krumpinoy and how everyone is just on their toes all the time. I haven't been showing my face during rehearsals because of my studies, that's why I was slightly worried. AND MY MOM JUST HAD TO TELL PATRICK THAT I WAS AVOIDING HIM. THANKSSS.

So to conclude my long impromptu and probably unspell-checked blog entry...

I'll be taking in everything Laurence told me and all the encouragements and reassuring gestures I've been given after the battle. This will all be enough to motivate me to take my next battle with dignity and conquer it.

And yes, Laurence, I'm a soldier :)

~Miel~

Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

2008-03-14T11:59:23Z

SCHOOL.

IS.

OUT.

MY LIFE BEGINS...

NOW.

Really....

2008-03-11T08:28:16Z

I'm supposed to be studying.
I'm really supposed to.
It's just so tempting not to after that traumatizing Chemistry exam.
I had to wipe out my childhood memories to make way for stoichiometric calculations and expressing concentrations.
And that didn't even include Lab yet.
It already feels like summer.
It already feels like the time for me to shove my books and notes in the attic and pull out my rehearsal bags.
I have some major plans this summer.
I'll be working as an intern :)
Last, last summer I was a kumon teacher.
Last summer, I was a half-scholar at CCPDS.
This summer, I'm going to have the time of my life :)
And I think that that thought is the only thing getting me through the finals.
I can smell summer.
Almost taste it even.
I can feel the immortality.
Then school comes around again by June or July.
This is crunch time.
Then it's graduation.
Then it's college.
My, how time flies.
Next thing you know, I'm getting married.
But according to my mom, she only wants me to get married to God.
Instead of a veil, a habit.

Okaaaaaaaaaay...

Anyway, I'm just glad and very grateful my life's going smoothly.
Yes, there are unbearably bumpy times for me.
But all is well as long as God's around.

In a nutshell, I can make it through my exams if I put my heart into it.
And I happen to have more heart than brain.
Unfortunately, the heart doesn't come in handy in Chemistry.

Hahaha.

I'll live through this :)

Oooh.

2008-03-11T08:15:54Z

I'm just about to study for the Literature Exam.

JUST ABOUT TO.

*in a sing-song tone* But lookie what I fouuuuunnnnd!!!

JAAAAAREEEEEEED LEEEETTTTOOOOOOOOOO..... makes me HAPPY :)

MTV Europe Music Awards 2007 :D

HE'S THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO LOOKS GOOD WITH BLUE LIPS...

HE SHOULD BE A VAMPIIIIREEE...

JARED? JESUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Icon-happy...

2008-02-29T16:20:45Z

So much for productive... Pre-Exam rituals...

--Miel

THEME : Hot boys...Yeeeey!

I make! You like? You steal? No problem.
Just comment and you can do whatever the heck you want with them afterwards.

001-005 >> WILLIAM BECKETT FROM THE ACADEMY IS...
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